Saturday, 23 March 2013
I came back sooner than i thought, i guess my days of writing notes on Facebook years ago never left me. That can also be referred to as blogging as well right? Lol. I'll just go ahead with what i want to write bout today, which is already in caps above. And as i write this, ive got Raheem DeVaughn's Woman playing :-)
I was 22 years old my final year in Uni and a lot of girls in my set were pretty much my age, a year younger or a year/2 older than i was. I knew at least about 5 girls who were gonna get married that year or the year after. This was it for so many girls, those who did not have boyfriends wanted to get hooked up, they wanted to get married fast. I on the other hand still had so much to look forward to, i still had plans before the big day came. I wanted to go for my masters, i wanted to get busy with work and have fun before settling down as a wife and mother and as far as i was concerned i had to get them done and out of the way before settling down. The only thing that would remain constant would be work. I gave myself up till 27 to get married but well, 27 came and went and i am not married yet. Lol
After Uni was done, i moved to the states, there was the decision to make and fights with my uncles to go for my masters immediately instead of going to film school and they won, i didn't go to film school, Lol. I left the states after a while, worked in Lagos, moved to the UK, did my masters, worked and finally moved back to Nigeria in December 2009. Those years were always about 'this friend of yours is married, that friend now has a baby, your cousin is younger than you and she is getting married, do you even have a boyfriend'. Those years were indeed bad but even got worse after i moved back. Ever since Dec 2009, my Aunts come to meet me every year and say 'Lolade you promised us this December o', and i am there standing and thinking to myself 'when did i make such a promise'.
The society we live in wants women to conform to an early marriage when in actual reality there's so much more to look forward to, there's more to life than getting married. I always say, if the men don't come what are we then supposed to do? Do we just sit back, do nothing and wait for the one that will come knocking on our door and ask for our hand in marriage coz that dream aint ever gonna come true. We no longer live in a world of arranged marriages.... well, i take that back coz we sort of still do, there are some educated/sophisticated young men and women out there getting hooked up by their parents to their friends children......business marriages i like to call them. But anyways, in our world today, we all love to know who we are getting with one on one, both men and women. So if we women go out, do the needfull and still don't meet this man we are meant to spend the rest of our lives with, what next? Ofcourse you don't sit down and feel sorry for yourself, cry to God, fight with him and ask why 3 or more of your girlfriends are married and you still aren't. What else makes you happy in life? Surely it can't be just getting married. There's work which covers many grounds, there's helping people, supporting your family and so much more. It all balls down to what really makes you happy in life.
I always tell my young female friends, think about what you want out of life, don't rush, don't get pressured and most importantly, enjoy your youth coz it's not something you will get back, it'll never be the same. i enjoyed every bit of my twenties and have no regrets whatsoever coz most of the mistakes i made back then made me the strong woman i am today and taught me most of what i know today. And i am still learning, daily.
Many young women get pressured into marriage at an early age by their parents, others rush into marriage simply because their friends are getting married and they do not wan to be left single/alone and because of that fall into the wrong hands. Please note that the saying all fingers are not equal is very true, God did not put us on this earth to be the same thing or achieve the same thing. A is very much different from B no matter how close they are. The truth is a lot of people don't stop to think about what happens after the wedding, coz frankly all that gets alot of people excited is the 'wedding day'. The wedding is just for a day, marriage is forever. Many young women don't get the proper advice as to how to treat their husbands, how to act as a wife or even keep a home. Please remember a husband is very different from a boyfriend. After the wedding, these women are left to face the marriage anyway it comes to them and before you know it, 6 months to a year down the line the couples are getting a divorce.
I have friends who got married early, had kids and got divorced. Some picked themselves up and got on with their lives and took care of their kids coz frankly it is not the end of the world, there's a whole lot more to look forward to. I also have friends who got pregnant and got married due to getting pregnant, one friend in particular decided not to go through with the wedding, she called it off because she noticed along the line that her husband to be was a violent person and before someone ends up dead or almost dead, she took her kid and walked. Because the truth is, if he doesn't change before getting married, he never will. My aunt asked her once why she didn't notice the violent part when they were dating but the truth is we are humans and as such, many of us are blind to a whole lot of things at that stage and when i say 'we' i mean both men and women. Some guys don't realise the true nature of their girlfriends till they marry them. With that said, i am very proud of my friend, she is raising her kid alone and doing an amazing job at it, she has moved on and is living a good and decent life now. She doesn't regret getting pregnant and like she says, her child is the best thing to happen to her. But it doesn't work this way for a lot of women, some still go ahead and get married to that violent man and they are stuck with this for years before they finally get the courage to leave that marriage and by then it will be too late in life, some women never even make it out.
On the issue of getting pregnant and getting married because of the pregnancy, i think it is very wrong to judge women who find themselves in this position. First off, who are we as humans to judge another being? Secondly you have no idea what that woman is going through. I agree that there are a few women out there who all in the name of getting married, get pregnant just to trap a guy and have him propose to them, however, it is not all women who think this way and since i'm not psychic, i do not go around judging or assuming to know why someone got pregnant and afterwards got married. In most cases its an honest or careless mistake, fear of having an abortion and the guy wanting to do the right thing which will be to get married and start a family. Some women have it good, others don't. I would advice every woman out there who wants to trap a man with pregnancy.... honey, men don't work that way these days. If you feel getting pregnant will make him stay and marry you, then think again coz it might blow up in your face.
Pressure is what gets most women by the neck these days, its not easy i know but you have to build up your strength as a woman, be strong, have faith and never stop believing that God will always be there for you, he has a plan for you. It took a while but now i look at both my folks and hear them telling me at my age not to rush into marriage but make sure i pray to find the right man to settle down with. At first i thought they were tired of pushing me to get married but the truth is no parent wants their child to fall into the wrong hands. My dad has heard my friends experiences and as much as he prays for them to heal, he also prays that his child doesn't go through the same thing. Instead of pressure, my folks pray for me and that prayer goes a long way.
Ladies, if that man has not come into your life yet, please stop feeling sorry for yourself, get on with your life, stay happy. Most importantly, parents need to stop putting pressure on their children, especially their daughters, friends need to stop rubbing their happiness or sometimes their so called happiness in their single friends faces and also stop putting pressure on them as well or trying to hook them up with their husbands single male friends or any new single male friend they make.
Society needs to take a break and understand that as women, we need and deserve to get more from life, there's a whole lot more to look forward to.
Posted by Unknown at 09:47